I
was saddened to watch her take her leave, but Miss Dowling had
accomplished what she had in mind the day on which she had arrived.
She entered the carriage with a smile that bore much pride in me.
Once
a girl has shown herself to be an elegant lady, she is suited for
entering into a union with a fine man. I knew my time had come, but
my heart was not yet ready. I wished to see more of the world. I
too believed in love. I did not wish to marry a man whom I did not
love. But my mind was well trained in the ways of a lady and it
warred against this heart of mine that went astray.
I
awoke earlier than usual. I was to meet the man my father had chosen
for me soon. I stood in front of the mirror that hung on a wall in
my room. According to many persons, I was beautiful to look upon. My
body had changed all to much over the past few years. I remember when
I first found blood in my drawers, I thought I was going to expire.
No one had prepared me. When I confided in Miss Dowling she gently
told me not worry. She explained as best she could. I was happy to
know that I was not dying, but I longed for my mother. She would have
prepared me. I did not enjoy how my body had changed at first, but I
was beginning to appreciate looking as a woman would. My breasts had
not developed in the same way as most of dames my age. Mine were very
petite. But I was fond of that. My long light hair, fell effortlessly
upon my bare shoulders. My skin, pale and flawless. I think the body
of a woman is as a beautiful art sculpture. I wondered what parts of
me mirrored my mother. I would never know. But I had certainly become
a woman.
My
Lady in Waiting, Miss Mildred, who was two years older than I, put my
finest frock onto my body. I wore only the most trendy frocks of high
class. Mildred took longer to do my hair into a faddish style.
Fashionable styles for women includes braids, topknots, and heavy
coils of hair over each ear or at the nape of the neck. That day, I
asked her to do a topknot.
Mildred
was not only a magnificent Lady in Waiting, but also she had, over
time, become a close friend of mine. I confided in her often,
although it was not customary for a woman of high class to befriend a
servant. I simply did not care. My father, of course, would not
approve of it, but who said he had to know at all? So when she tended
to my dress and grooming we spoke not a word to each other, unless,
it was to do with my hair or clothing. The time in which we got to
converse was far after bedtime. We had done this so many nights, for
many years. To be precise, the first time we spoke was when she came
into my room the night after my mother’s burial ceremony. I was
eight years of age and my mother’s death had ruined my emotional
state. She was the one who gave me true companionship in that
sorrowful time of my life.
My
stomach churned and I felt very unwell. I did not enjoy this
feeling. I slowly made my way down the staircase, as I was taught.
I could hear the sound of a strange voice in the front room. I could
not tell his likeness by his voice, of course, however this did not
halt me from wishing that I could. The familiar hum of my father's
voice loomed through our home and I tried to find comfort in it. But
what I sought after, did not come upon me.
My
lady in waiting had announced my arrival. As I entered the room, I
only looked upon my father. He returned my gaze with a smile and
stood up; in the side of my eye I saw a figure follow the usual way
for a gentleman. Both men stood before me, but my eyes were fixed
upon my father.
"Joselyn,
I ask you to please make your acquaintance with Neil Carter," my
father spoke up. I felt giddy. My future lay with this man. Slowly
my eyes fell upon him. My heart began to gallop inside my chest. He
gave a smile and spoke words that to this day I do not know what they
were. He looked as a man should. His kind brown eyes examined me
with much pleasure. His light hair combed into a most fadish style,
that I found quite charming. His attire, effortlessly handsome. I
do not know how much time went by as I stood there wordless. I was
overcome by emotion. Teardrops formed as my eyes disappeared behind
my eyelids.
"I
do not wish to marry this man," I whispered, taking my frock in
my hand, I fled to my room.
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